Movie Tasting: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Not as bad as you remember; still not quite good, either.

ACTION SCENES: 7
TOTAL ACTION TIME: 35.5/122 min. (29/100)
CHOREOGRAPHY: 4/10
STUNTS: 6/10
EDITING: 5/10
FINALE: 4/10
MISCELLANEOUS MENTIONS:
Atomic Bomb + Fridge scene, I love it so hard, I'm giving one single extra point for this: 1
TOTAL ACTION JUNKIE SCORE: 56

READ HOW THE ACTION JUNKIE SCORE WORKS

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WINE PAIRING:

I would drink something light-bodied and tart, electric and acidic, to fill in all the sensations the movie itself lacks. I tried a Greek Xinomavro (pronounced Casino-mavro) and it was perfect. My local Whole Foods carried this, and it’s one of the most important/popular grapes in Greece, often compared to Italy’s Nebbiolo/Barolo in terms of structure and age-worthiness, though the flavor profile is fairly distinct.

We’re talking red raspberry and plum skins + tobacco and herbal flavors. High acidity, fine tannins, tart, fruity, and layered.

As alternatives, I'd look into anything from Mendocino County, California, which usually produces wine of elevated acidity and "electricity", regardless of varietal.

After over a year away from Letterboxd, I decided it was high time to return, but this time with Wine Pairings included, as one does.

After all, I have an epic Chang Cheh filmography to finish, a Godzilla filmography to finish, now this Indiana Jones Filmograpy to start AND finish, AND I have to keep adding to my Action Junkie Score (see above) ranked list.

I decided to watch the Indiana Jones films in reverse order. Because maybe-just-maybe Crystal Skull wouldn't be as bad as I remembered and I'd defnitely be saving the best for last, rather than vice versa.

And I think that approach worked. Crystal Skull is still, likely, the worst of the bunch (since I'm watching these in bass-ackward order, we shall see), but it's definitely better than I remember.

First off, the opening atomic bomb scene is all kinds of awesome. Over the top, yes, but it's memorable and a brand new kind of Indiana Jones scene. As each movie moves the character into the next era, this was, revisiting it now, a perfect starting point. A great "we're not in Kansas anymore" moment showing that we've moved into a different technological moment in time, out of the 30's and 40's, into the 50's.

Now let's talk about Shia Lebouff. He isn't half-bad. He isn't! He's *almost* good, but the script doesn't give him much to work with. But honestly, he plays the part he's given very well. I'm not sure he ever would have worked as a replacement for Harrison Ford, but the chemistry between the two here is *close* to the chemistry between Ford and Connery in Last Crusade. Lebouff isn't in his weird phase yet. He's still trying.

The action scenes are, sadly, the worst part. They're cartoonish without the edge of true blue danger the pervious installments contained. Indiana Jones films were always just a little bit scary and blood-curdling, like a proper pulp adventure yarn. Crystal Skull goes overboard to Disney-fy the whole proceedings, and not to the film's benefit.

The first half of the film is actually - !almost! - entirely well done. The atomic bomb scene is perfectly Indy though also an update. The bad guys actually bite the big one while Indy survives by the skin of his teeth. It's the only scene that feels like it could belong to the older films. The first scenes between Ford and Lebouff are a great intro into this new paradigm. And Karen Allen's return was a fanatastic idea.

BUT...the action in later sequences are pure Pirates of the Caribbean vs. old-school Indiana. They're cartoonish and whimsical and almost no one dies, certainly none of the good guys. The swashbuckling sequence between Lebouff and Blanchett as Lebouff stradles two Jeeps; the CGI animals all throughout used for pointless comedy relief; the obviously decades younger stunt double for Ford moving nothing like Ford actually does at his current age in the film - none of these things click.

I used to hate that the film was about aliens, real actual aliens. I get that aliens fit into pulp adventure yarns, but the supernatural/metaphysical elements of IJ films have always been mysterious, largely unexplained. Real deal physical aliens seems to buck that trend.

But I've (somewhat) reconsidered this: these are interdimensional "aliens", whose purpose, actions, and overall make-up remain largely unexplained, which makes the insertion of "aliens" work with the other unknowable Indiana Jones dangers like the Ark and black magic cannibal death cults and the holy grail.

That all said, the script isn't the best. It's mostly easter eggs and callbacks to the previous films. It's all waaaaay too kid friendly. And at "only" 2 hours, it seems...rushed? Well, it does! That may be the post-Marvel era blockbuster in me feeling this, but the movie jumps from scene to scene and then wraps up weirdly fast.

But if I had to put my finger on the core missing piece of this entry, it's the danger of it all. That edge was blunted until there was no bite. Comedy was always a part of the franchise, but selective and never at the expense of the terrifying moments/consequences. Crystal Skull feels like it forgot how to walk that fine line.

But it was enjoyable to watch. Maybe because I watched it first. So maybe that's my recommendation for eveyone else, if you plan to rewatch these before Dial of Destiny hits - do them in reverse order!